breaking up,

Don't read without an open mind and non judging manner. After all this is my blog.
     
        Basically I feel like I just went through a dramatic break up, but get this, I wasn't even dating anyone! Okay I now fully support the idea that guys and girls can't just be friends. The reason to this is because there always seems to be someone that expects a little bit more out of the friend ship than the other person. If you want a commitment you better ask the person out instead of just feeling that they owe you a certain amount of friendship. I have this really close guy friend that I haven't seen for a while, and when I mean a while I mean like a long time, being two and a half years, and get this he wasn't even on a mission. Nope that would have made the situation easier since you shouldn't feel committed when someones on a mission.

                 Well anyways so I have literally being texting this friend/ he has been texting me, every day since I graduated from high school. Now that you may say is a ton of texting. I thought so too. So after a while, by starting college, I legitimately started getting busier and I really didn't have the time to really focus on him or whats going on in his life. Plus I had started college in Idaho. A little background to this I'm from Hawaii. Notice there is a drastic change in many lifestyles by this simple decision. I basically chose to uproot myself so that I could experience college and meet more people and have this college experience. But this also meant that I had to leave my family and that has been hard. But I thought it was good to get this away from home college experience and ultimately I do want to meet a guy here, which would be nice if it happened after a mission but if not it'd still be great.

                So with this in mind I started college and really have been very busy I think I've gone to bed before midnight maybe once and wasn't able to fall asleep until one a.m. I have done activities but it means I work hard to get my work and because of it I work as fast as I can so that I can have breaks. So this friend of mine who is a wonderful amazing person continued to send a steady stream of texts. The only problem is that my phone is always on silent and so I'm working as hard as I possibly can to do well in school (because I also want a scholarship) and to at the same time make sure I get out of the house enough. Just as a random tidbit I don't even eat lunch in Crossroads (the cafe) because I try to eat in an extremely small amount of time so that I can get my homework done (andddd because my roomies don't eat at cross roads and I don't like eating alone).

             Anyways so then this friend will constantly ask me questions and I'm usually simply doing my best to get homework done so my replies are short. But I still reply, every hour of every day, enough so that the person can tell that I'm making an effort to reply. But it just wasn't good enough. He started telling me that I didn't spend enough time, and I didn't even ask him any questions. Just in case someone isn't aware of this obvious fact I'M the girl. Basically he is completely right I haven't spent a ton of time finding out whats going on in his life but I always did my best. I always made sure I did eventually reply. He basically told me he has been dealing with this issue for 20 days and that I only asked him 6 questions (although I texted a bunch) and that I wasn't showing that I care. I just was done. I just couldn't handle it any longer and the more he told me that he was just giving advice because thats what friends do the more I felt like I shouldn't have to grovel. Yes I know that if I really wanted to preserve as friendship I should spend more time. But I hadn't seen one of my bestest friends Christina for like a month and we skyped and texted maybe 5 days or something but we are still super close and maybe thats because we understand that each other is busy and that if there is something major of course we will tell each other.

             I guess I'm totally not being fair but maybe it is because we don't feel about each other the same way. But seriously I spent literally a couple hours doing absolutely nothing just texting him. Ranging from apologizing to trying to defend myself. Now I am so flustered because of it I just know its going to be an extremely late night. Yet even after a couple hours of trying to work it out with him he told me that "actions speak louder than words" and that I didn't show that I cared. Is not 2 solid hours the tiniest bit of proof? I mean seriously am I supposed to ask him what girl he is interested in? Or am I supposed to tell him what guys I think are cute in my ward? Like what really is expected?

            It just kind of feels unfair in a way that I have just experienced all the negative outcomes of a relationship yet I haven't even been in one since I turned 18. I just figure if you want commitment shouldn't there be some sort of discussion but if there's really not a relationship and you are really just "friends" then how can you expect someone to spend every second talking to you whether or not there are mutual feelings? I just feel that really and truly I do my best to be the nicest person I can be and will alter myself to please other people but if my best is not good enough I tend to detach myself to try to preserve the relationship by not getting annoyed. But being daily accused of not doing enough can start being too much and I just seriously gave in. I mean I did my best to work it out and do better and talk more, but really I was just busy. Anyways so I seriously feel like I broke up but wasn't even dating its ridiculous.

              I just really am starting to think that I'm obviously not very good at giving enough attention, (when I don't want to). It's like I feel obligated to please someone regardless of whether or not I like them back. But guys are allowed to return feelings or completely disregard them.